A Child's Heartbreak

Throughout this blog I will be talking about my past, my present, and what I hope for in the future. I think this will be a great way to get feelings out. Just to be up front, I have had problems with depression since I was about nine years old. My anxiety, however, started when I was seven. So a lot of this is going to be about things that have helped me through the rough times, and to try and also focus on the good times. There are times when I really dislike being me, and there are rare times when I truly enjoy being me.

I hope to help other people who have maybe had similar things happen to them, or for those people to maybe help me with their tips on getting through similar problems.

I was a happy-go-lucky child, as well as a quite outgoing little girl until I was five years old. That is when my Mom divorced my Dad and promptly hauled us from Washington State to Montana. The first man my mother dated was her divorce lawyer. She (my mother) was constantly jumping from man to man. There was a different man in the house all of the time. My mom would stay late nights at the bar, leaving me with my sister to watch me. That was great. My sister hated me, and never had a nice word to say to me when I was a child.

After my first summer with my Dad, I had gained weight. My Dad was a bigger man, and as soon as he drove us to meet up with our mother, all she had to say when she saw me was "What did you do?? She is so fat! Are you trying to make her look like you?" I was an energetic kid. It wasn't like I was pigging out at my father's. I was out playing all summer. The difference was that my Dad actually HAD food in the house. He actually bothered to COOK for us when he was home from work. There was even a time where we had to call my mother's friend to come and get us because my mom had not been home for three days, and we had no food to eat. I mean NOTHING. We stayed with her for two days. Five days of my mother being gone. It turned out that she was in jail. However, that was when I was eight, so I digress and will return to the subject at hand.

Needless to say, after my mother's comment, I felt as if she no longer liked me. It didn't help when she exclaimed "You look so much like your father" after going on and on about how much she hated him. I cannot completely blame it on her. She was mad at my Dad because he cheated on her, and the woman that he cheated with was now living with him. She also grew up in a dysfunctional family where her mom treated her kids similar to how my mother treated us. Apparently it did not occur to her to break the cycle. As I said before, she would spend many nights out, and it was rare if she spent time with us. When I once asked her "Why won't you spend time with me"? She replied with "Well, don't you want me to have fun"? It crushed me. My insecurities and anxieties started right around that time. After all, if my mother didn't love me enough to spend time with me, then who WOULD want to spend time with me?

I found friends at school, but I was constantly being moved around. The longest I stayed at one school in elementary school was when I was in Roberts. That was for two years. I made friends, some of which are still friends to this day. However, even while hanging out with my friends, there was always this nagging voice saying "they don't REALLY like you". Unfortunately, that voice has stayed with me to this very day.

This is just the beginning of my story. Today, I am a happily married woman with a wonderful husband. That bad nagging voice still says to me "he is going to leave you", although we have been together for over ten and a half years. I have gone to psychologists, psychiatrists, and doctors; I have also been put on several cocktails of miscellaneous drugs meant to make the emotional pain go away. None have worked, except for one: neurontin. It makes me feel like myself when I take it. I see the world in a happier way. But it only lasts for so long, and if I don't want to go without for a long period of time before my next refill, I have to space it out. I also still go to a psychologist, but it does not help all that much.

I hope to discuss various things with other people who may be going through the same things. Or just hear from people. I don't want this to be a "woe is me" story. I do not blame people for how I am. The experiences I have had in life have shaped who I am, but ultimately I am in charge of my happiness. I just want to share my experiences with others, and I hope to hear their experiences as well. I also hope to be able to get out some of this lingering sadness through blogging. Or at least I am giving it a good try.